August, 2019
I have had many personal experiences with how the body highlights the distortions of our true essence or blueprint. Many of them began when I was very young. And I have been aware of these distortions most of my life. It wasn’t until I encountered frequency work that I realized the root of many of my physical issues. The primary experience I have had in my life is low back instability and pain. This started when I was around eight years old. I unconsciously held much of the family grief and depression. Not only from the known relatives in this lifetime but the entire lineage for both of my parents. For me this all settled into my low back and gave me regular reminders throughout my life that I was not operating at my highest potential. There were several incidents along the way where the instability and pain forced me to crawl around unable to walk. Somehow my blueprint would push through and I would come back into stability many times by sheer willpower alone. I’ve always had a bit of a hyperactive streak. My constant need to be physical was twofold. It kept me moving but it also kept me avoiding. It wasn’t until my mid thirties when my back said ‘enough is enough’. I had a demanding career, pushed my body as hard as I could athletically, and did not support it with healthy foods. It was the perfect storm that led to two lumbar disc herniations and five years of rehab.
It was what I needed to wake the f@#k up! I had no idea how to approach myself. After wondering around in the dark, sometimes on my hands and knees, through bittersweet relationships that showed me my distortions over and over again, something clicked and I moved onto to my own internal guidance system. When I first encountered my internal GPS, it was a mess! It was like walking into some spaceship engine room with wires hanging out of structures that I had little or no understanding of. In other words, it all looked foreign to me. Not even the basic physics seemed to apply here. But I started to trust it to let me know how it worked. As I spent more time in the engine room, I was guided to where I needed to pay attention and understand better, then eventually fix all together. There are literally patterns I thought that I had to deal with or was saddled with my whole life. Turns out neither of those is true. Anything and everything I thought I knew about myself had to go. I could not keep something that I liked and trash what I didn’t. It ALL had to go. Once I experienced this space, I knew how things worked for me. I knew I had to be open, available and fearless around things leaving and the right things staying. And many times, I’ve complained, asked someone else if I’m doing it right or just felt like giving up. But time and time again, I come back to that knowing; that space of open availability and fearlessness around loss, pain, or whatever else the mind can conjure up. I know that I may experience pain from time to time but it is not in vain, nothing is in vain. Everything has a purpose and nothing has any meaning. I guess what I’ve realized is we are our own biggest healers, most loyal fans, deepest compassionate offering. I think that’s why I’ve always liked the Hopi Elder Prayer, “we are the ones we’ve been waiting for”.
