August, 2020
Just last month I wrote about this new person in my life. Just as quickly as he arrived, he left. What was the most striking about the entire interaction was the massive amount of change that occurred within me in a five-month period. It was like the near-death experiences people talk about. My life was flashing before my eyes in dreams and in the waking state while I watched old patterns fly away and had only enough time to observe and hold onto my hat! It has been a steep learning curve to make adjustments at this speed in how I see myself, my life, and my interactions with myself and others. I like speed, don’t get me wrong, but sheesh! Now the deep integration begins. I’ve had to slow into my digestion pace which requires a lot of patient attention on my part.
I could look at this latest attempt at a relationship as an epic fail on my part. But I truly don’t see it this way. I have learned so much about myself. I have seen how I get triggered while watching myself be triggered. Seeing myself from this vantage point gives me a much more compassionate view of myself. A deep compassion that I have never felt. It’s not sentimental or comforting, it’s piercing and precise. It has a sense of “no way out”. I have to own my learning in this situation. Failure is an intrinsic part of learning. Mistakes are part of success. This is the gift of this relationship. I have a much deeper understanding of how the mechanisms of success demand making mistakes and failing. Being kind to myself while I walk through mistakes while holding myself accountable has been a huge shift in my internal awareness.
August feels like a deep integration month on many levels. We all have experienced a great deal of change in a short period of time and it is important to allow ourselves time to integrate what has happened and allow the body to adjust to the new information and pace. I don’t see a return to “normal” as we knew it before this time. Normal has become the practice of presence in whatever way we can “be” with ourselves and others. There is great change on the horizon with the upcoming school year being very different for children and young adults, the upcoming United States election which will yield some unprecedented results, and new relationships with economy, commerce, and healthcare, just to name a few. I need much more rest during these times than I have in the past. It’s not just more sleep, it is conscious rest. Taking time to witness the natural world, appreciate a glass of water, engage in slow conversations, and being with myself in a kind way are all ways I nurture myself. Whatever it is that feels like it allows you to consciously rest, this is the month to dive in and learn what works well for you.
