January, 2020
This month was a humdinger! That’s a word my east Indian dad would say to describe something that was challenging to the point of wanting to give up but worthwhile. I think that he borrowed it from my mom, he liked weird English words and when he found a word that made him laugh, he would repeat it… A LOT.
Waves of self-criticism washed over me regularly this month starting with my impatience around healing from the December surgery and then took all kinds of familiar twists and turns throughout the month. I felt like I was drowning at times. And there were many times that I felt like it was just too hard to stand up to the criticism with a strong “no, that’s not mine”. It felt easier just to take the abuse from myself which I know is not what I want. So, this month I often found myself in the observer seat. Watching myself deal with my inner dialogue in a multitude of different ways required bringing myself back to center throughout the day and being very compassionate towards myself. Just this simple practice seems to eradicate a lot of criticism and judgment when it is genuine. January required me to dig very deep into what I truly value not only about myself but how I want to experience my life. It was exhausting yet I found places that I had not visited in awhile that needed my attention.
If this sounds resonant or familiar to you, it’s very likely you are walking towards a higher-level awareness than what is in our general news stream or social media. This kind of awareness expands when regularly cultivated through whatever practices feel naturally supportive. And the cultivation process really pays off when a month like I just had rolls around. It becomes a place to take refuge when the storms of the mind/inner dialogue beat at the shutters of my very being. It’s like knowing that I always have a safe haven inside of me no matter what happens. I’m not saying I enjoy the storms but if I am completely honest, a part of me does enjoy them because I come back restored knowing that I can hold myself even when I am my own worst enemy. To me this is an invaluable skill set that I find that I need to develop and nurture on a regular basis. There really is no substitute for authentic self-care especially when it comes from a place of wanting to give myself what I need while simultaneously receiving it with appreciation.
