April 17, 2020
Humans have a proclivity for polarity. It has occurred on all levels race, color, gender, country, sports, ideology, religion; the list goes on. Right now, it is so important to find neutrality. Or at least a place where all sides of any issue can be heard, and at the very minimal, tolerated.
I studied Early Childhood Education for several years and found most of what I see in adult behavior actually is early childhood behavior that never got rectified. With young children, especially ages 3 to 7, behaviors of exclusivity start to form if not guided. Most often the lines are drawn between gender but they can and will find a way to draw a line between each other based on many creative filters. Some of this is necessary individuation, but if left unchecked can form nasty cliques or even fights. The children coming into this new consciousness are less likely to fall into this exclusive category which is an exciting evolution for us all.
One embarrassing story where I found myself hijacked by this behavior involved a cycling group that I used to belong to. First, I was only allowed in the group because my then husband was a member. It wasn’t an official dues or subscription group but it felt that way. After my husband had gone on several rides with the group and they decided he was ok, they invited me to join. I pulled my rusty bike out of the garage, cleaned it up, did some peripheral maintenance on the drive train, and declared I was ready for a mountain bike ride; a group of six guys and, on occasion, one other woman. I arrived at the designated meeting spot wearing running shoes, no helmet, walking shorts, and a rain jacket as it was cold. There I stood amidst the group of helmet-clad, clipless pedaled, lycra short, arm warmer wearing, cyclists. They looked me up and down and laughed. Next thing I knew, my bike was rolled away and surrounded by the guys like a pack of hungry hyenas. All I could see was plastic reflectors going up in the air like my bike was being disemboweled and the best parts of the prey were being divided among the pack. My drivetrain was adjusted and a disgusted head shake back and forth was shared by the pack while testing my brakes. They handed my bike back to me minus all seven reflectors; two on each wheel, a plastic cassette protector, one on the bar, and one on the seat tube. My bike shifted a lot better but could barely handle the braking necessary for the terrain we were riding on. I couldn’t really keep up with all of them so my husband would regularly wait for me and tell me where everyone was going. Once we returned home from the ride, I cried. I cried a lot. I was humiliated, exhausted, and felt totally excluded and ridiculed by the group. And one would think, that would have taught me something, but it didn’t.
Several months later, I had trained my body for cycling, purchased a reputable bike and gear, and a new guy came on a ride with us. He had recently purchased a bike from Costco and was proud of his purchase and happy to ride. All of the same antics ensued. Instead of pushing back on the group and demanding respect for this unknowing new comer, I cackled along with them. I became that which I so despised months earlier. Of course, at this time I was deeply embroiled in distortion patterns from my early experiences but looking back on it now, I feel a great deal of shame and empathy for my former damaged self.
We are in a time where we can no longer do the old “us and them” game. Where we are so desperate to belong or feel safe that we lose sight of the whole picture. Our true safety comes from a solid relationship with ourselves. And sometimes that relationship means shedding away old ways of feeling safe and included. The benefit of walking forward in life with safety that is self-defined, self-maintained and self-included is that you always have yourself even in the most difficult of times.
