December, 2021

I put down my best friend yesterday. We shared 15 years of turbulence, love, joy, fun, comfort and companionship. It’s very empty in my house today. I’m sure anyone who has walked through the death of a loved one can relate to this. It’s the kind of empty that tugs at your core and you wonder how you will fill it up on your own.

This is where I left myself over and over again and leaned heavily on Sproket, my dog. I’m seeing now how animals need to be themselves. And how we humans need to be ourselves. I depended on Sproket in various ways to patch up parts of me that I need to attend to myself. He did a great job holding me together but also enabling my internal separation. I didn’t stay with me lots of times when he was around. I poured gallons of love into him that he definitely deserved but should have been for my fractured parts first so that what I offered him was truly his. He taught me many things about myself and my way of substituting pets for human interaction.

I’m so raw. So exposed. There’s nothing between me and me now.

I can’t avoid myself on any level because I am standing right in my own face. What I am experiencing doesn’t diminish his importance to me or his amazing way of being with me. It does, however, point out with glaring ferocity my need for companionship, connection and love at the human level. The level of deep vulnerability, trust and transparency that animals can model for us humans, but not replace our connection with ourselves and each other.